I’m not ashamed… Are you?


Every scar is a horrid memory. Painful. But a lesson learned. I know that. And I forget they’re there. When others see them they think I’m crazy. Maybe I am. Or maybe I just hated myself so much I didn’t know what else to do, because it felt good to punish myself. I’m over that…

Men are like Public toilets, they’re either taken or full of shit.

This man is full of shit. You may be asking yourself who of course is full of shit? His name is Pat and he’s the type of guy that has low self esteem when you meet him so he’s completely nice to you, but by the end of it… and a few work out sessions on his part… he’s kind of an ass. He realizes that his new found pecs and 6 back are worth more than your personality and charm. This is the type of dude that you can talk to all day (because he has nothing better to do).  The type of guy may I add who is on dating sites and it says looking for a relationship but then does that whole ” IM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU LYING BULLSHIT” and says i have a few things i need to get together in my life before I want a relationship. Then later when you guys get intimate, after he specifically lies and says “I don’t do random hook ups only relationships” quits talking to you. Just plain old stops. Then after doing the deed and quitting talking to you… he finally says you know… I just like you as a friend. WHAT?! after four months of round the clock texting and a bang… I’m just your friend? WHAT. We all know life goes on. Now i can do something stupid like get some sort of drunken revenge by I dunno sending a picture of me flipping him off, and saying “go fuck yourself” which I did. By the way it was stupid to do that, but it’s also kind of funny to me. Hey back in the day I was more into property damage than I was sending photos of a middle finger – so this is tame by comparison.

I know exactly why i flicked him off. I was not so much pissed. My feelings were just hurt. This is what I do. I am a bridge burner. I don’t know exactly how to explain this. It makes plenty of sense to me. When I no longer want someone in my life I feel like i have to do something outrageous. Or something to piss them off so that they will never want to talk to ME again. Because deep down, I will always want them in my life. I guess I care about people and grow to like them I just have a shitty way of going about it when bad things happen. For those of you thinking that i’m a bad person or something… yeah I might be. I am messy, crazy, irrational, and hyper-emotional. When I feel things I really feel them, when I care I really care. But the shittiest part, is when I care, I do it with my whole heat. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets me into a ton of trouble. I did care about this guy. Im not talking about love, because he was of course a republican, and had two children so its not like I was gonna marry the dude. But then why the fuck do I care?

Who knows. All i know is that I burned a bridge that I liked everyday. Its going to be difficult to fill that void, but theres always gotta be a way. There’s always gotta be someone out there that enjoys talking to you as much as you them.

I feel like I’m in college again. your feelings hurt because you sleep with someone that doesn’t give a rats ass about you. You just feel bad about yourself. Or at least I do. I’m not a very sexual person so when the deed gets done I just feel like shit.

Maybe he’s not the terrible one in this situation. Maybe I am. I am constantly trying to be better yet i’ve reverted to a childish way of coping with a situation. That’s life though right? We live, we learn. Alanis really knows her shit.